Resentment can also impede listening skills, so check in with yourself to be sure you have honed in on your own listening skills before demanding this of your partner. Trying to share what you have to say when your partner is just walking in the door after work or tending to a screaming child is unproductive for being heard. Timing can also create a block for good listening. This happens when there’s a low tolerance for emotions or if the person grew up in an environment where he or she was consistently overwhelmed by other people’s feelings. Sometimes a partner can feel overwhelmed by his or her own feelings, forcing the person to shut down or stop listening.
You should have to communicate something only once or twice for it to be heard. This can happen, for example, when you drive a point home beyond what is necessary, which compels your partner to shut down and stop listening even when the intention to hear you is there. The most common reason people can’t (or don’t) listen is because they shut down the capacity as a defense against experiencing discomfort. Don’t presume that it’s simply because your partner doesn’t want to hear you. The inability to be a good listener can stem from several underlying issues, and it’s important to understand what these might be before trying to fix things. It seems like you’ve been heard, but then the same issue resurfaces later.Your partner’s response is focused on why he or she feels the same way.You’re told that you’re being ridiculous or that you’re overreacting.Your partner flips the topic around so that you become the problem.When you try to communicate with your partner, check in and notice if any of the following issues arise: If you’re met with resistance or feel unheard, you might experience a sense of abandonment or even shame.īeing heard conveys that your thoughts and feelings matter, and it paves the way for a deep sense of trust.Īnyone can talk. There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to share your thoughts or feelings with your partner only to experience deflection or defensiveness.īeing vulnerable and expressing your innermost needs and desires can be terrifying. The important piece of this early dynamic is not what your caregiver did or said in response to your communication, but that you were heard, period. It started when you were a baby and needed your caregiver to hear your cries for support. Without the capacity for good listening, communication becomes irrelevant.Īs a human being, you have a deep desire to be heard.
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